If you have ever been in a situation where your child is sitting on the bench or getting little playing time, you know how frustrating it can be. The child feels disappointed, loses hope, becomes nervous, and perceives the whole situation as very unfair. Their negative thoughts and unpleasant emotions are completely understandable and normal. Even though it may seem like your child is inconsolable, you can help and make this period easier for them.
Talk to your child.
Do not avoid talking about this topic just because it is uncomfortable. Allow your child to express themselves, to talk, and to share their emotions. Listen to everything they have to say without dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Your child likely feels rejected, and research shows that rejection activates the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain. Let them know that you understand and acknowledge how difficult this is for them.
Avoid openly criticizing the coach and their decisions, especially in front of your child, as this will only deepen their sense of injustice and anger. Explain that in life, there are things we can control and things we cannot. In this case, they can control their effort and commitment in training, but the coach’s final decision is theirs alone.
Find and focus on their new role in the team.
Being part of a team sport means taking on many roles. Your children are athletes, supporters, friends, competitors, and much more. If they are currently getting less playing time, it doesn’t mean that all these roles have disappeared. Even from the bench, they can contribute a lot—cheering for the team, bringing team spirit, supporting their teammates, and helping in many other ways.
Think of Domagoj Duvnjak and how much his presence on the bench meant to our national handball team during this World Championship. Sometimes, the most valuable contribution to a team comes from ‘playing from the bench.’
Teach your child that team spirit and determination are shown both on and off the field, and coaches often recognize and reward this. Challenges and difficulties make us stronger, and flexibility and perseverance are the greatest virtues you can help shape in your young athlete.
Focus on physical and mental preparation.
As we’ve already mentioned, there are some things we cannot control, and it’s not worth overthinking them. Instead, focus on the aspects of the game that you can control. Help your child see this period as an opportunity for growth. Although it may not seem like it, a period of not playing can be a stepping stone for your child. By observing the game, matches, and competitions, they can learn a lot. Your child can gain insight into their own and their opponents’ weaknesses, and understand what they need to improve and work on.
Additionally, fewer games and competitions mean more time for preparation, stronger training, and work on strength, endurance, and mental preparation. Mental coaches appreciate these quiet periods because they can teach athletes various techniques in peace, and athletes have the time to calmly try, practice, and perfect them. This period can be used to gain a psychological edge and mental strength. One of the biggest mistakes athletes make is ‘giving up’ when they are not playing. Instead of working on their physical and mental skills, they become angry and stubborn. Life is full of obstacles and sometimes it’s not fair. As much as you may not want to tell your child this, it’s even worse to overprotect them. Encourage them to work on other aspects of their game while waiting for their turn.
Change the club
In some cases, it may be wise to change clubs, but this should definitely be the last resort. Talk to your child and have a conversation with the coach. If your child has lost motivation and the coach no longer sees them in the team, finding a new club might be the solution. Changes are difficult and uncertain, but sometimes they come with many advantages. Although success is not guaranteed, a change of club may sometimes be exactly what your child needs to shine in a new environment.
Finally, it is important to start with what really matters. These are often the reasons why you enrolled your child in sports and why your child loves this sport. Some of the most common reasons parents share with us are: wanting their child to engage in physical activity, have opportunities to progress, learn teamwork, respect authority, build good habits, and learn values through sport that will help them in life. If these are also your reasons, it is important to practice them in your communication with your child so they are properly developed in a sports context.
Let’s be the change we want to see in others, and in our children as well!
Dora Dragičević, MSc in Psychology
