How to deal with a little perfectionist?
Does it sometimes seem to you that your child is a “bit of a perfectionist”? Do you feel that this sometimes poses a problem for him/her in sports, or life in general? Don’t worry, this is completely normal and happens quite often. Especially with children in sports, where their behavior is under even more scrutiny due to frequent exposure to situations where they can display their perfectionism.
Perfekcionizam
At the beginning, let’s clarify what perfectionism actually is and how we categorize it. We roughly know that a certain amount of perfectionism is completely desirable, especially in sports where correcting details is often required for progress to occur. However, there is a fine line between two different types of perfectionism. Namely, we psychologists have divided them into positive or adaptive perfectionism and negative or maladaptive perfectionism.
We will simplify the topic of perfectionism to better explain it. Specifically, perfectionism is described as a striving for infallibility in all aspects of life and ways of coping with stress.
Positive perfectionists are those who strive to achieve high but realistic goals that they can actually reach. If it happens that they do not achieve some of their goals, they know how to draw a conclusion from it regarding what they need to correct, that is, what they still need to work on to be closer to achieving their goals. Also, it is important to emphasize that they accept their own mistakes.
On the other hand, negative perfectionists are those who set extremely high and unrealistic goals for themselves. They put immense pressure on themselves to achieve these goals, and if the goals are not achieved, a great sense of dissatisfaction arises and the person is simply disappointed. The only thing a negative perfectionist wants to achieve and the only thing they would be satisfied with is achieving that specific goal. They often think in an “all or nothing” way.
It is important to point out that being a negative perfectionist is often not easy and can cause major problems for children and youth. What makes life difficult for negative perfectionists?
It is essential to become aware of the negative aspects of perfectionism to easily understand your child. By doing so, you will know how to have a better approach and how to help them cope more easily with the things that burden them.
It is important to note that no one is exclusively a positive or negative perfectionist; rather, these are 2 separate dimensions where individuals score low, moderate, or high in both categories. Therefore, various combinations are possible, as well as the possibility that a person/child does not have either dimension prominently expressed at all.
How to channel reactions
Now that you know what the characteristics of positive and negative perfectionists are, it will be easier to become aware of and recognize which side the child leans toward more often. In some cases, a child may react in a certain situation in a manner more characteristic of a negative perfectionist. It is important to know how to recognize this. Here are some examples:
Fear of mistakes and failure can increase anxiety levels. Attempts to avoid mistakes, the feeling that they must look perfect from the outside, and the masking of the distress they feel inside increase stress levels, which can lead to other psychological problems. For this reason, it is important to know how to cope better.
It is crucial to learn how to give constructive criticism that encourages the child to improve in certain aspects of life and sports. At all costs, one should avoid criticism that is destructive and discourages the child from proudly continuing to try.
Finally, in sports examples of negative perfectionism, guide the child to talk to the coach. Anyway, very soon (if they haven’t already), the child will begin to value and accept the coach’s advice more than the parents’ advice. Even if you are very often talking about the exact same things.
Mental Training Blog guest: Lucija Cvitanović, mag. psych.